A note to my readers…

If you are reading this, then you found my private blog that isn’t so private to find but is private to read the posts.  (or at least some of them)

I needed a place to get things out of my mind but at the same time where my secrets could be secret and I could still let in a few select people.  Each post has its own private password so if you ask me and I give you the password to one post, this does not mean you can read all of them.

If you would like to read some of them, just email me and I will either say no or give you the password.  So what would it hurt to just ask?

Thoroughly Disgusted

Yeah I’m thoroughly disgusted with my b/f right now. I think I would rather him not let me know about the flirting he does online.  That way I don’t have to know about it.  It’s like 20 times worse on me that he tells me all the stuff he says to these females online!

DISGUSTED!!!!!

Jealousy

Jealousy is a bad thing.. especially jealousy against someone you don’t even know!   Someone you’ve never even met! Never spoken to face to face…

I hate feeling this way but I can’t help it!  Sometimes I just feel like yelling “I HATE YOU” to someone who isn’t even here physically.  God, my life is so lame and boring and typical and BLAH!

numb

So I’m sitting here in a quiet house that I don’t own with my three kids upstairs in bed.
I just sent Dave a text asking if he was staying out so I know if I should wait up for him or not.
He claims he is coming home soon (45 min ago).. not that I care, if he wants to stay out by all means PLEASE do.

This is all starting to feel like deja vu to me.  The only difference now is that I don’t keep looking out the window every time I hear something remotely sounding like my car.  I don’t sit here wondering if he was throw in jail from being caught with some sort of drugs on him.

My life has become so numb…

OH he just pulled in… back to the writing

So as I was saying, my life has become so numb.  Each day its get up, get kids ready, check my email/facebook/etc, clean, cook, eat, get kids ready for bed, and sleep.  Very few times during the week do I deviate from this schedule.  There are the rare doctors appointment and then we have sports that are on a given day so thats scheduled too.  I don’t do anything else.  I don’t have friends that I hang out with.  Hell I don’t even have friends that live near me.  My closest friend is an hour away.  I have acquaintances!!!  I feel like a real outsider in this town.  The mothers all know each other and I’m different from them.  So to compensate for this lack of friends and anything interesting in my life… I volunteer, I listen, I HELP.

So I volunteer all my free time to the school.  When I’m not doing that, I’m listening to people and helping them with their problems.  Sometimes the help only comes by means of listening but still it helps them.  But this got me thinking… I’ve always been the one that would listen or that someone could count on to help them out.  I’m the one that would try to give solutions to problems and help a friend in need, even if it meant sacrificing something for myself (not my children, just myself).  So when does one person say “enough is enough, I need the help and I want the help” (which reminds me of something else I need to write about but that will be posted privately)

sorry, have to halt this convo… a moment I had to share with you.

Dave: “omg this girl just posted her phone number on facebook”
Me: “for everyone to see?”
Dave: “yep” as he pulls out a notebook and pen
Me: “what are you doing?”
Dave: “writing down her number”
Me: “What the hell for?”
Dave: “Because that’s what I do, I keep their numbers and fuck with them”

ughhhh

Ok, enough about that before my meds kick in and I feel all sleepy, tingly, light headed, eyes rolling in the back of my head, and ready to just lay down.  As I was saying… When do I finally stop listening and start telling my troubles, besides to the very few random people that read this?  Who will be there to help me out when I need it?  Now there are a few people I do listen to no matter what.  Some of them don’t even know I’m listening (reading) as much as they probably think.  Am I just an overly caring person?  Do I take their pain and sympathize  for them as though it was my problems?  I’m not sure.  There are just those select people that I can’t ever imagine feeling the way they feel, and I want to help them out in the worst kind of way but I don’t know how to.  I guess just being there to listen (read) is all I can do right now.  If they want more from me I would be more them willing to help out as much as I can.

Well, I hope everyone is well, and has a great weekend.  I’ll be counting down the days/hours/minutes till I’m on that plane headed to California for a weekend of fun with Denise and whoever else we happen to meet along the way.

worth a thousand words (or tears in my case)

My friend just linked me to a site so I could view her engagement pictures…

I cried!  Not because they were beautiful… but because I’m such a fucking loser!

The evil stepmother

I am not an evil step mother nor will I ever be an evil step mother.  Like I said in an earlier post, I don’t feel I will getting re-married any time soon.   I’m only using that title as a gateway into my discussion.  This is a discussion about my boyfriend and his 17 yr old daughter.  She will be graduating (hopefully) in a few short weeks.  These last few months have been pretty bumpy for her but hopefully she got everything done that was required of her to graduate.  Granted it took her one extension that was granted by the principal for her senior project and several make-up hours of computer work to get it completed.  The project required her to complete 50 hours of “job shadowing” and then a report to follow.  They were told about this project during their junior year of school.  So she had roughly an entire year to get 50 hours in and have her paper completed.  Around February, her mother called to inform us that she only had 9hrs completed and the project was to be turned in approximately in one month from that date.  That meant 41 hours in one month.  Totally do-able if she made sure to get a little bit of time in each day after school.  A week went by and she didn’t complete even one hour.  So my boyfriend had to step up and make threats.  First it was her cell phone.  Then it was the threat that she wouldn’t go to Disney World that was planned in a couple weeks.  Now remember, I said THREATS!  She still has her phone, and she still went on that Disney trip.  But enough about this project.. lets move on to the next beautiful subject.

Boyfriends… granted I can’t talk about boyfriends I had in high school, because they were limited and my mother was very strict about the amount of time I was allowed to spend with them and stuff like that.  WOW times have sure changed… her mother seems to think that allowing her to spend entire weekends with her boyfriend is okay.  Now not only does her boyfriend live in this house but the ex-girlfriend and their CHILD live there too.  Yeah you heard me he lives with his parents along with his baby, and his baby momma!

Last night we were blessed with a phone call from my boyfriends ex.  She called to say “please help me, your daughter won’t listen to anything and I need you to make her listen”  ughhhhhhh woah, hold the phone… She always throws him under the bus when she can’t get shit done and its down to the wire.  She called say that she heard the boyfriend and baby momma are still having some “sexual contact” and that she doesn’t think daughter knows about it.  WTF??? She is the one that decided it was okay to allow her to spend entire weekends with him in a town that is 20 minutes away from home! Okay but enough about that…

Next, my boyfriends daughter likes to tell people things.  Like her plans for her future and stuff like that.  Well lets just say, the stories she is telling her mother are completely different from the stories she is telling her cousin.  Lets compare them shall we???

Story 1

She is going to move to Harrisburg, PA and go to school.  She will stay with her grandmother and aunt, find a job and go to school.  After she gets enough money she will then get an apartment and move out.

Story 2

She is going to get an apartment for her and her boyfriend and the boyfriends baby momma is going to move in together.  She is then going to adopt the baby so that it will be THEIR child. All while going to school and getting a job to pay bills while her boyfriend does nothing but soak up all the money he can from her!

So which one do you think she is telling the cousin, and which do you think she is telling mommy?

I’m at a loss for words here.  She is constantly on the cell phone talking to her boyfriend.  She starts at 6:50am (I’ve checked the bills) and talks for roughly 40 min each time.  Then she calls him periodically throughout the day.  Then when she is home from school she talks to him as much as possible.  Granted, he must have an AT&T phone because we are not losing any minutes to the plan and they are all showing up at M2M.

THEN lets not forget about all the money my boyfriend dishes out to his daughter.  ON TOP OF THE CHILD SUPPORT HE ALREADY PAYS!  “Daddy, I need this” “Daddy, I want a new ringtone” (oh yeah, forgot to tell you that part.. she is on OUR family plan and lives with her mother) “Daddy, I want a new laptop” “Daddy, mom can’t buy me a car, will you”… or it is “our daughter needs graduation announcements, can you pay $120 for them” “Oh she needs senior pictures… can you pay $200 for them”  I swear it is like we are a fucking ATM!

I’m at wits end with all of this.  I already have children to worry about.. but they aren’t that age yet.  I don’t want to deal with this shit yet, so I don’t worry about it and tell my boyfriend to deal with it.  I’ve tried to express my opinions but it falls on deaf ears!  I have no idea what to do, except just sit back and smile when I hear new stuff about the whole situation.  I guess tomorrow we will find out if the senior project she got the one month extension on will pass her!

M*%@^$ F*%#&%@

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY IT fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I’M STARTING TO FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck SOME DAYS I WANT TO YELL THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED STORE fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck AND TODAY IS A FUCKING MONDAY, YET I’M FEELING GREAT fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck PROBABLY BECAUSE EVERY DAY IS THE SAME FOR ME AND I DON’T LOOK FORWARD TO THE WEEKENDS! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck WHEN IS MY FUCKING VACATION AGAIN?

Random Replies

I must go back to April 26, 2010, because I missed a lot of what you had written since then.  I know it’s not written to me or about me but I feel the urge to reply to some of it.  Oddly enough, we don’t know each other and I feel as though I can tell you pretty much anything and talk to you about everything.  We met 2 years ago on twitter, never seeing each other face to face, to this day.  You would randomly send me links to things you felt I would enjoy or would some day want to attend.  Through 140 characters, you were able to understand me better than people that do know me.  You may not think so, but it’s true.  I’m grateful that you allowed me to glimpse into your other blog.  This is the side of you I had never seen and yet when reading it, feels like deja vu at times.  You even made me cry!  But I’m getting away from what I was going to do…

  • females at the age of 21-27 are much different then those at the ages of 30 & above (or at least most of them).  I think the thing that I find the most attractive about you is the fact that you are mature, you have standards & morals, and you actually do something for a living.  Maybe I just don’t know any better due to the fact that I have lived in Pennsylvania my entire life.  When I started dating in college, I fell for the guys that were 5 years older than me.  I thought they would be more mature and have some sort of plan for what they wanted to do with their lives.  Oh how wrong I was.  My ex husband moved around from job to job so much that he at one time lied to me saying he was going to work when he had actually gotten himself fired a few weeks before.  Then my ex boyfriend after him was only 3 yrs older and I later came to find out that he had a severe heroin addiction.  By that time I was too far into the “abusive” relationship that I was scared to leave.  He couldn’t hold a job very long either.  Finally I was able to get some courage and leave.  Now I have my current boyfriend whom is also 5 years older than me and he can hardly keep it in his pants.  He would drop his pants at every available piece of meat to walk past him.  I’m basically treated like a piece of meat too (not as badly as the ex that was 3 yrs older than me whom would smack my ass and grab my tits every time I went past him).  So, I guess I have pretty much killed my theory on older guys.  I will tell you this, even on top of how mature you come off in conversations we’ve had, I find you very attractive.  No, we have never seen each other outside of photographs but I still find you incredibly cute… no wait, not cute.. Hot!! (There I said it!)
  • I also went through a time when I wanted to end my life.  Those years I was with the heroin addict were probably the worst years of my life.  Having him threaten me, slashing my tires so I couldn’t go anywhere, smashing phones so I couldn’t call anyone for help.  I was at my all time low.  I had lost so much weight that I was 5’9″ and was weighing in at about 95lbs.  Currently, I’m coming in at 116lbs and I must say, I look much better with those extra pounds added to me.
  • (this has nothing to do with anything you wrote) Even though I will only be in California for a very short time in May, I’m going to try and see what I can do about visiting with you.  Even if it is a whole other trip to California, I want to try and make sure I come see you.  The one really great friend I have out there on twitter that has listened to me bitch and sulk and who has never once (at least not to me) passed judgment on me and ignored me.  I almost feel like I HAVE to do this.. Like its something I absolutely have to do.  (I know, it sounds strange but whatever)

OK, so that’s all I have for right now (probably because it is now midnight and I should be going to bed).  I do want to leave you with one last thing.  We now have each others phone numbers.  I expect to hear from you if you need someone to talk to, and I will honor you with the same respect if I need to talk to someone, since you were so gracious to give me your number.

Good Night!